We’re continuing the “hurry up and wait” stage in our adoption process. So far this is one of the most frustrating parts of the adoption process. I read a quote online that put it best:
The worst part of life is waiting. The best part of life is to have someone worth waiting for.
We have one or more children in the Philippines that are ours, and they are completely and totally worth waiting for! I get asked frequently if I want to be matched with one or two children. I would love to be matched with two, but I equally would love just one little child. I also get asked if I’m hoping for a son since I have two daughters. I’m equally excited for either another daughter or for a son, to be honest. I cannot wait to finally see the face of my child(ren) and be able to bring them home!
When we started the adoption process, I felt a tug in my heart and all this love for a child that I haven’t met yet. When you are pregnant, you feel that same tug when you see the positive pregnancy test. That same love grows every time you feel the baby kick, see an ultrasound, or pick out new baby clothes for your baby to use. Adoption in similar except that instead of ultrasounds, it’s forms you’ve completed. Instead of baby flutters and kicks, it’s background checks and interviews. Instead of baby clothes it’s eagerly waiting to get the call that you’re matched so you can see the face of your child. All our side of paperwork, forms, interviews and countless fingerprinting and background checks have been completed. Currently, we are waiting on the Department of Homeland Security to finish on their end so we can send all our papers over to the Philippines. The fun fact there is that if the process takes too long, our papers will start to expire, and we will have to pay to redo/renew parts. We’re praying this doesn’t happen!
Financially we’re about halfway done with paying through adoption expenses–very exciting! Recently we cashed in for the adoption donations we’ve received through our AdoptTogether page, and this helped to pay for the Homeland Security background check! It was so encouraging to use the generous donations we’ve been blessed with. We’ve also appreciated several people who have donated to us directly. These have been worked into many of our other adoption bills along the way.
Personally speaking, the adoption process is equally fascinating and frustrating. I find it fascinating and frustrating when I run across those who are opposed to the entire adoption process. To be completely blunt, I do not understand the “logic” of anti-adoption. In a perfect world, there wouldn’t be adoption. I say that because for a child to be up for adoption there must be trauma. Each child that is placed for adoption has been traumatized in ways non-adopted individuals will never fully grasp. Adoption is a beautiful and wonderful event that is made possible by so much pain. Pain for the child, pain for the biological family members and pain for the adopting family. When I share that we are in the process of adopting, I get a lot of “you’re such a good person,” “the children will be so lucky to have you,” and other similar comments. While I do believe it is easy to put adopting people on a pedestal, I also believe that does a grave misjustice to the child(ren). I have the “easy” part of the adoption—I get to provide a safe, loving, welcoming home and open my heart to the children. I already know that my children can trust me and that we have a loving and welcoming home to bring them into. The children have the difficult and terrifying process of overcoming their trauma, choosing to open their hearts to accept us, choosing to trust us and one day choosing to love us as they themselves heal. That’s a lot of big emotions for little kiddos to process!
The biggest reason we’ve been told not to adopt is that the child(ren) will never actually accept us and be ours. Doug Chapman said:
If you have a heart for adoption, don’t let fear stand in the way.
When I get told or advised to let go of adopting and consider having “real siblings” for Jasmine and Madelyn, I get angry on behalf of the children that are once again being told they aren’t wanted. I get angry that somebody thinks they have the right to say that a child’s life doesn’t have worth because we don’t know how the child will end up as an adult. (Side note: We don’t know where any of us or our biological children will end up as adults. That’s called life!) I get angry that somebody is letting their own fears and pettiness dictate what they believe others can do. I get angry that I know my child will have to deal with these types of people for the rest of their lives. After all the anger simmers down, I want to weep. I want to just weep for all the children in the world that are unwanted, unloved, and not seen. I want to shake sense and compassion into the hearts of others and force them to see beyond their own selves. No child should ever be made to feel unwanted, unloved or invisible and yet that is what every single person who is anti-adoption is telling them they are. I love how Bob Constantine put it, “I have four children. Two are adopted. I forget which two.” That’s what I want for my family and all my children. Each life, especially a little child’s life, is precious and priceless!
If you are anti-adoption, I would challenge you to deeply reconsider that position and take a strong look at your own heart and your personal character. No child deserves to be unwanted and shame on any person that makes a child feel that way. As you read this blog you might be asking yourself why I would even discuss it. Fair question! I submit that if you have the nerve to spout your anti-adoption rhetoric, I have the equal nerve and right to respond and defend. We are attempting to be as open and transparent with the adoption process as possible. That means we share the highs, the frustrations, the lows and even the unpleasant parts. Anti-adoption isn’t a position that is unheard of (sadly), so I felt that I had the right to address it since I am experiencing this bias.
On a brighter note, it’s fascinating to see how much our daughters process and pick up from the adoption process. Every time we get a new bulletin from our adoption agency, the girls look through all the pictures of the orphans and ask which one is their sibling. They already have so many plans for their incoming sibling(s). They have opinions (that change daily) as to if they want a brother, two brothers, a brother and a sister, a sister, or two sisters. Children have the capacity for unconditional love and acceptance that we adults easily lose as we grow older.